Taking On The Library in 6 Inch Heels

Yesterday I got a wild idea: Yes, I went to my Local Library. I know, it was crazy! I'd been feeling the need to go ever since my mother caught me coming home from Borders with an armful of books and chastised me for not borrowing them from the library. Fine. I'll go to the fucking library, mom. Jesus Christ.

Of course, as all mothers know, you have to tell your kids to do something fifty times before they actually fucking do it. Borders was closing their doors forever and having a HUGE sale so I came home with yet another armful of books, which earned me a glare from my surely well-meaning mother. Of course, the glare could have been because one of the books had the word 'SATAN' in big bold letters on the side and she's a devout fundamentalist Christian... But there's really no need to jump to conclusions about that. It was more likely that she was thinking "You could have learned about Satan at the library". To which I would have replied, "No, I could learn about Satan by sacrificing chickens in my back yard." I'm pretty sure I'd have been dragged kicking and screaming to church for a remark like that, though.

So what made me change my evil book-buying ways and seek out the library? Well, there's this horrible entity called Money. I don't have a whole lot of it anymore and, since the porn industry is so grossly overpopulated, I probably won't have any significant amount of it for a long while. So I caved. I have read all of my books, many of them more than two or three times, and needed some new material that wasn't puked out by some fourteen year old on fanfiction.net.

Woefully, I got in my car and drove to my Local Library. The parking lot was at the bottom of a hill and I, having just come back from lunch with my uncle and his boyfriend (who I am constantly trying to impress), was wearing the sexiest boots in existence. Unfortunately, they also had 6 inch heels, which made walking up the hill like a death march on stilts. When I arrived at the door, wheezing like an 80 year old smoker, I kicked the button that opens the door for the handicapped... who somehow would have managed to wheel themselves up that godforsaken hill.

Once inside the library, I realised that I hadn't set foot in one since middle school. I had no fucking idea where to begin. Something about the Dewey Decimal system came to mind but it just angered and confused me. Instead, using the power of common sense, I found a computer terminal that let me search for the books I was interested in. I'm a big Neil Gaiman fan so I wanted to read The Graveyard Book again, which I had borrowed from a friend some time ago. Many books came up under his name but all of them were at different library branches and I would have to order them. Well, fuck that biz. I took to browsing the shelves instead.

I wandered into the Science Fiction section and noticed that the Left Behind book series (you know, the ones about the Biblical Apocalypse and how the billions of Non-Christian people get 'Left Behind' to deal with the Anti-Christ? Those.) was sitting there in it's entirety and looking pretty new. I had read the first four of these books before I realised that they were terrible and returned them to the nice old woman who lent them to me. There were also some dog-eared copies of Dean Koontz and Terry Pratchet novels and a bunch of shit I'd never heard of. Then I ran into a little rolling stool that, I suppose, was for people who weren't wearing impossible heels to use to get to the top shelf.

I wandered around aimlessly for a few minutes before giving up and considering just venturing down to the kids section of the building... which was located at the bottom of a flight of stairs... and I was wearing crazy heels. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to find anything worth that kind of, probably literal, trip so I quietly made my way to the exit: Quiet Exit made possible by the mercifully carpeted floors.

I loitered in the foyer of the building for a few minutes, looking at bulletins local businesses had posted. Several of them were for daycare centers. Next to the bulletins was an ominous looking little closet of a room that was dimly lit and had a make-shift sign on it that said "Book Sale". Naturally, I wandered in. When I wandered out again thirty minutes later, my pocket book was $7 lighter and I had 7 battered hard-back books clumsily stacked in a grocery bag. Unintentionally, my trip had turned it to a giant "fuck you" to my mom.

I came home and dragged the books out of my car. It's not that they were heavy, they were just terrifically bulky. My dog greeted me at the door and tried to convince me to let her eat the books with a show of gestures and longing, wide-eyed looks at the plastic grocery bag. I told her she was more then welcome to try (she's a tiny eleven year old Shih Tzu) and laid them out in front of her. She sniffed them, looked up at me, and cried mournfully. I gave her a cookie and let her out back.

Later on that day, I took my mother to the airport to recover a missing bag she'd lost on a recent trip. She, like always, asked me what I'd been up to that day. I told her I'd been to the library and that it was very nice. She was super excited:

"Did you borrow any books?" She looked like she was going to burst.

"No, they didn't have anything I wanted. I actually ended up buying a stack of books from the used book sale that they were having."

She was quiet for a moment before leaning back in her seat and asking "Do they always have a book sale?"

I was pretty sure that they did. The dark little closet looked pretty permanent. I think I will go back there again in a few weeks. I love old books and I really love not having a library card.

Jesus In Vegas: Takin' Care of Business

Have you heard of Grooveshark? Do you live under a rock with your face stuffed up something unpleasant? It's the Napster of streaming music and these are the songs that you need to go look up and listen to before your eardrums implode from not listening to amazing worldly music:

Cette Fille by Martial-- A smooth French rap that will get stuck in your head whether you speak the Language of Love or not.

Dull Life by Yeah Yeah Yeahs--- I love the transition from slow and haunting to an insistent urgency which culminates into a mesh of guitar and drums that makes me want to get up and start throwing expensive vases at ex-boyfriends.

dance, dance Christa Paffgen by Anberlin--- Anberlin writes songs that describe love in a way that makes it sound appealingly illicit.

Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla--- I'm a fan of the lead singer's smooth 90's-rock style voice. I also love that he refers to the concept of god as female.

Lights by Ellie Goulding--- There are several mixes of this haunting song and I love every one of them. Her vocal control is impressive and mixes well with her breathy undertones.

I Am Not A Robot (Clock Opera Mix) by Marina and the Diamonds--- This song will take you into space so sit back and choose your poison.

Hide and Seek (Wikked Remix)--- Furries in A Blender --- This is a high energy remix of Imogen Heap's famous song by the same name. It definitely adds 40 miles to the speed limit if you listen to it in your car.

Jacob's Ladder by Chumbawamba--- You remember these guys, right? Late 90's... Tubthumping... "I get knocked down but I get up again; Ya never gonna keep me down"? Yeah, if you hated that song, you should give this one a try. It's much much better.

Super Rad by The Aquabats--- "Applesauce applesauce applesauce!" This song just makes me laugh. If you hate Ska don't even bother lol

Young Blood by The Naked And Famous--- I'm not sure what the instrument is that is used throughout this song but it really sounds like a reverb laden harpsichord.

I'm always looking for new interesting music in any and every genre. I'll post more recommendations when I run across them.

How To Piss Me Off On Facebook

I just read a blog on defriending people and then had to defriend someone shortly after. I hardly EVER defriend people so here are some examples of how to get me to defriend you:

Case One

You McPantsface: There's a lockdown at my school cause someone mistook a camera man on the roof for a gunman!
You McPantsface: Haha They thought it was a shot gun.
Me: Thats awful. What an idiot. Shot guns can't be used for sniping.
You McPantsface: My thoughts exactly.
Random Guy: You know nothing about shot guns. I'm going to call you names until you know things about shot guns.
Random Other Guy: That guy knows.
You McPantsface: You tell her!
Me: I admit I was wrong because I thought of buckshot, not shells. Thanks for calling me names.
Random Other Guy: You're stupid. You've just been educated.
Random Guy: I hate your name.

/Defriend You McPantsface

It's not so much that he didn't stand up for me, it's that he agreed with me and then turned around and agreed with the trolls. Not mature. Not friend material. Bye.

Case Two

Dude Von Tool: "You can never be too rich or too thin."

Dude Von Tool: "It ain''t over till it''s over."

Dude Von Tool: "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!"

/Defriend Dude Von Tool

Okay, yeah, quotes are fine sometimes. I like some of them. Sometimes I post them myself; everyone does at SOME point. But generic quotes all day all the time? No thoughts of your own? Really? Bye.


Case Three

J.C. Freak: Smile! God loves you today!

J.C Freak: God has a plan! I'm so happy that his plan will work for me, even if it's not right now! The Bible says so.

J.C. Freak: John 3:16, Numbers 2:15, Isaiah 7:8-12. Read them and feel good today!

J.C Freak: Today my mouse was eaten by a snake that somehow came in through the dog door. I am sad that he didn't go to heaven but I know that God has a plan for this. Praise the Lord!
Me: That's sad. I'm sorry about your mouse.
J.C. Freak: Thanks. God has a plan.
Kelly Kristian: AMEN! HE SHURE DOS! PRAIS GOD!
Me: So... he has a plan for what, exactly? To make the death of your mouse somehow help you? It looks like it helped that fuckin' snake...
Kelly Kristian: PRAIS THE LORD YOU NEED JESUS!
Me: Why are you yelling at me?
Kelly Kristian: I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU, PRAISE GOD

/Defriend J.C. Freak

There never has been and never will be intellignet conversation with this person. Lots of my friends are Christians and we can leave Christianity out of our relationship since I, you know, like Satan and all. They don't try to save me, I don't try to 'educate' them, everyone's happy. Bye.

Case Four

Boner El Stoner has invited you to Happy Farm Land.

Boner El Stoner has answered an extremely personal and possibly inappropriate question about you!

Boner El Stoner needs your help gathering bat guano for his harvest in Happy Farm Land.

Boner El Stoner is excited to inform you that his cow is having mutated twins in Happy Farm Land.

Boner El Stoner has hired some whores in Ghetto Gangsta Trashville and needs a pimp!

Boner El Stoner has invited you to Sardine Aquarium Hell.

Boner El Stoner has ordered his serfs to strip naked and run through briars until they like it in Mideval Mound of Magical Malarky.

Boner El Stoner has invited you to kick chickens in Happy Farm Land.

/Defriend Boner El Stoner

What the fuck, dude? Fine, play the games. I waste my time on games too and it's fun, but if all you're going to do is invite me to games and NOTHING ELSE then there is nothing in this relationship worth preserving. Bye.

Case, Last

Punk McCreeper: Nice pics. You're really hot.
Me: Thanks! <3
Punk McCreeper: I wanna see more <3
Me: Haha XD Maybe in like, March LOLOL

Punk McCreeper: It's March. Where are the pics?
Me: Huh?
Punk McCreeper: The pics you said you'd take in March. The ones of your tits.
Me: Wait, what???
Punk McCreeper: Don't deny it, it's right here:
>Punk McCreeper: Nice pics. You're really hot.
>Me: Thanks! <3
>Punk McCreeper: I wanna see more <3
>Me: Haha XD Maybe in like, March LOLOL
Me: wtf is wrong with you? I was fucking kidding. See the "LOLOL"?
Punk McCreeper: I'm just reminding you of what you said. Are you going back on it?
Me: Back on WHAT? I said nothing about giving YOU tit pics. Ever.
Punk McCreeper: Don't deny it, it's right here:
>Punk McCreeper: Nice pics. You're really hot.
>Me: Thanks! <3
>Punk McCreeper: I wanna see more <3
>Me: Haha XD Maybe in like, March LOLOL

/Defriend Punk McCreeper

I like to post fun, provocative pictures of myself sometimes. It's FUN and I do it when I FEEL like it, not when you want me to. It's my body and I'll do what I want. You ain't entitled to shit. Bye.

I'm sure there are more things that will get me to defriend people, but it really takes a total jackass idiot to make me mad enough to not give them a second chance. So... don't be a jackass idiot lol